Thursday, 2 July 2009'♥
I dun wanna say goodbyeand i want eu to stay by my side-(a part of) say goodbye by haz-
its me... all those problems and mistakes it started out in me... is all me... i'll try to let it go but i cnt...
i felt like i did sooo much things thats really stupid to eu... im letting maself to fall on eu but i cnt...
the most suitable phrase that suites me.... HOPING ON SOMETHING THATS IMPOSSIBLE....
hoping... hoping that one day... i'll get eu... like a miracle... but it just cant... we're in two different worlds... VERY DIFFERENT...
it starts out as admire.... and turns into crush... but i let it go since eu had a crush on someone else and it grews to love.... i hold ma crush feelings on eu... but i acted as if theres nothing... and when eur love to someone has kinda over....my crush on eu was still there.... i care for eu... cared too much that i lost world... i fergot who were eu... and who was i... i felt like i own the world... i dun really care wat was goin on around me....it grews slowly to affection and to love... but yeah... ONE SIDED LOVE.... haiz... but i was stupid... so i got back down to affection... coz i cnt give eu love.... a love is where a party needs two hands to clap... not one...
i dun even noe why must i stuck on eu... i tried every possible way to show that i actually like eu but i cnt... the more i show it... im scared.. that eu might juz leave me and had the disgust feelings to me
in the end... the crush feelings really grown to affection... i thought that i almost could get eu... but that was juz hallucinations.... i knew it from the beginning... my feelings to eu was actually rubbish.... it doesnt exist at all in reality... coz i noe.... we will NEVER be with each other... only true frens and thats yes... but more then that... i guess i dream on...
sometimes... i wanted to talk to eu about whats actually bothering eu... what was actually in eur mind that starts to boggle up... i wanted to help in every different way... like ppl say... eu could care for a fren as fren cares more then what a lurver cn give... but it turns out... eu turned me down... every single time i tried to talk to eu... kinda hurts me alot... but i couldnt say much... coz i noe who am i.... sometimes.. did eu realise that i actually over reacted and cared too much for eu... but then.... eu turned down every offer i tried to give....
im stubborn... really stubborn... i will never let this affection feel go away... coz i noe... its hard to come by... these feelings is like a rare thing that will happen to me.... sometimes when eu told me eu admire someone... i felt hurt... but then... its eur life... im happy with it.... what makes eu happy... makes me happy... even though it hurts me... i couldnt face reality... i couldnt face the future.... i'll noe whats the outcome.... thats why im scared... coz in the end... im the one who gets hurt... coz i'm being in a one sided love... which love only exist around me but not eu
i cnt deny my feelings growing strong i try to keep believing dreaming on and everytime i see eu i crave more i wanna pull eu closer but eu left me feeling frozen (a part of) malchick gay-tatudo eu noe... everytime i'll post something... or everytime i turn on my computer... the 1st thing i'll go is to eur blog... coz i wanted eu to be happy... i dun wanna see things that hurt eu... i want eu to move on... i want eu to ferget whats actually distracting eu from being happy.... i wanted to see happy post... not something that brings eu down...now lets start with me... the one who created the problem to himself.... WELL I HATE ME!!
i dunno why but i actually hated myself....
i love my life as i have loads of frens....
but i hated my life coz.... since i was born... i had something different in affection... feelings which grew to a wrong path....
and when i was growing up.... i get all those sarcasm and those critics... those hates... those hatreds i get even though i never did anything to ppl.... juz all becoz... of my behaviour...
the way im acting.... the image of me.... my body... doesnt suite to what im actually doing... its like a monster wearing a cloth to cover up its identity
i felt like a girl trapped in a mans body....
but i noe that im a guy... but why must my feelings be soooo wrong....
i wanted to live like normal guys... but i juz cnt... its a tough challenge....
actions speaks louder then words.... those who understands me... tried to change me... but how they wanted to change me... when i cnt even change ma self... yes! ma effort wasnt enough... but i cnt even lift myself up.... when theres actually someone tried to lift me up...
when i fall in love... it always fell onto the wrong person... i wanted love,care,concern,honesty,committed and really with sincerity... but i got those... who wants lust.. but not love...i gt those who cnt give me all i wanted.... they told me they love me and stuff... but when it really comes to reality... lust is all they needed... i hated myself... why must i end up this way? i kept asking god that one day... hopefully.. theres someone who will actually came to me and have all those characteristic that i want in love....
well.... god granted it... but it wasnt for me... its just a taste for me... i cnt have it... its like something... a possesion which eu cnt get... and eu will never get... even though eu tried every possible way to get it
this is what i felt whenever i look at eu....
i like eur smilei like eur laughi like eur eyesi like the way eu talki like the way eu apologise...but i hated myself... for being soo foolishly to like eu... when i couldnt have eu...and will never will
i really wanna try to stop liking eu.... it might be possible... but the effect is long...
hopefully i could face up to eu... when i meet eu again...
sometimes i felt like god is being unfair to me... but i dunn really noe if its unfair...
i've been patient... really patient with my life... since i noe wats love... i always wanted love... but i've never get it... i envy with every single ppl i noe... who already tasted love... but i never had...
all i could say... i liked eu too much... but i'll try to put an end to it...
i dun really noe when will i ever tell eu whats my real feelings to eu...
Labels: i couldnt say much
